Struggling

I have to say I have been struggling lately. There are days I wake up and I am ready, motivated, and happy to start the day. There are also many days I wake up in a mood. I have a bad attitude and I am unmotivated. I have been doing this Bible study called "Freedom for Mothers" and it has really made me stop and think about who I am as a mother. It has been an amazing study and I have really learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God. Even with this amazing study, I am still struggling and I think it is God's way of working on those areas that need to be transformed. So, here is what's been going on.

First let me say that I have been a working mom and was one for 3 years. This in no way is to say which is better it is just where I am at right now. I have done both and there are struggles with both and I think you do what is best for you and your family. I never knew how challenging it is to be a stay at home mom both physically and emotionally. I am a on the go kind of girl. I like to be busy and I will find things to do to keep me busy. I am also the kind of girl that doesn't like to stay in the house all day. I like to leave the house for little adventures and break up the day. Both of these things though have come to a stop lately. I don't leave the house much, between nap times, preschool pick up and waiting for the bus it doesn't give me much time to do that. I am busy because I am taking care of my kids, but it is just different. We are made to believe that our purpose in life is defined by what we do or other words our jobs. We get a sense of fulfillment from doing things and achieving things. This is hard when you are at home with your kids.

Let me give you some examples of what I am talking about. I spent all morning Monday cleaning my house just in time for the boys to come home and make it a mess again. By the time Chris got home it looked like I hadn't cleaned. I do laundry everyday, fold it and put it away. No one seems to notice. I think they all believe there clothes magically appear back in their drawers. I make sure everyone has everything for school, church, and t-ball and that everyone's schedule is worked out for all those events. Food runs out and it somehow reappears back in the refrigerator. Doctor appointment are made, forms are filled out, lunches are made each day. I spend a lot of time thinking about what is best for my children, making choices that could or could not make an impact on them. No one knows about those struggles or thoughts. You get the point. There is so much of my day that goes unnoticed. There is so much of my day where I am just hanging out with my kids doing nothing else, but that. That is a very important part of my "job", but in my warped mind I think it looks like I am not doing anything. What do I have to show for my day? At the end of the day can I cross that off my list? I actually started to make a list so I could feel like I accomplished more each day.

When you are working you get things done you are accomplishing a lot in each day. If you make some changes in your job people notice and tell you "I like the changes you have made." Not once has my kids come home and told me anything like that! A lot of times in a job you are told that you are doing a good job or someone else hears someone say what a good job you are doing and it is gets passed on to you. Not once have I had someone come up to me and say, "I just want you to know I heard someone say what a great job you are doing at being a stay at home mom." In a job you have other people to brainstorm with, run ideas by, and talk about what worked and didn't work. Doesn't really happen when you are at home with your kids you are alone figuring it out and at time getting very frustrating.

So in a sense I struggle because everyday I feel like I failed in someway. I feel like I failed myself, my husband, or my children. I didn't do enough to make myself feel good, I yelled at my kids, I didn't pay enough attention to my husband. This isn't a good place to be. I know I need to be fulfilled by God and I know I can't look to others for that fulfillment and I am struggling with this everyday and I am learning day by day how to handle it. I am learning everyday to lean on God to transform my thinking and my mind set. God has given me this amazing opportunity to minister to my kids and my husband. This isn't a glamorous job and at times very unrewarding. I need to not focus on the day to day, but the future. I need to focus on how much this will matter years from now. I have years ahead of me when my kids won't need me so much where I can explore different opportunities. Right now my job is my kids and my husband and it is the hardest job I have ever had! So that is what has been going on with me right now and I am learning so much about myself. It can be very painful at times, but so important.