Being Honest

Warning, this is not going to be a very positive post as I am going to be very honest with how I am feeling right now. Today I received a call to let me know that I did not get the job that I have been interviewing for since Thanksgiving. I have been on nine, yes, I said nine, interviews. I am mad because when I went on my first interview I really doubted myself. I did a lot of negative talk which mainly focused on not feeling smart enough to be considered for a job at this level. After the first interview my confidence level went up and the next two interviews were great also! I started to really believe that I could do this and I felt like they thought I could do it also and I felt so great about the potential of having this job. I daydreamed about how it would change my life and I got really excited. I have to say I am really disappointed (ok actually I am pissed) that I went through all of those interviews and I didn't get the job. I am mad that after I got off the phone my negative self talk came back and that I allowed myself to get so excited about this potential job. But the more I thought about how I am feeling it's not just about not getting this job. Yes, I really wanted this job, but I what I was really excited about was having a change in my life. I am ready to go back to work. I have been a stay at home mom for a REALLY long time. I am ready for a change, a challenge. I am not doing well at home right now. I don't have the excitement or energy I used to have when I first started to stay at home. Do I dare to say it, but I am bored. Trust me, I am not knocking how hard it is to be at home because let me tell you it is harder than anything I have ever done before. Emotionally I have never been so drained. I am lonely, and I am feeling trapped.I can honestly say that being a stay at home mom is a lot harder on me than when I was working full time.  I feel like I am not being the best mom I can be for my children because I am in this negative place right now. I know that God closed this door for me for a reason and I trying to come to grips with the reality that I might be a stay at home mom for awhile. I need to figure out how to make some changes in my life so I can not be so negative and be the mom I know I am capable of being. I know all of this, but right now I am going to take a couple of days and be angry! It won't last long so don't worry!