Just One of Those Days!

I had such good intentions for today! I got up, did my quiet time, prayed and got my mind ready to tackle the day. The kids were home from school because of all the rain and Nick and Jack were going to be with us all afternoon until after dinner time. I was ready! I sit here at 9:30 at night wondering where it went wrong and what the heck did I do today? My to do list is still staring at me with nothing checked off and I am in a bad mood!

I think it started to go bad when I didn’t have a good run this morning, and I was really looking forward to getting out side again after 3 days of being stuck inside working out. After I showered and went to the closet to find something to wear, I didn’t like anything I had and decided if I got dressed nicely if would make me feel better. Wrong! After I got dressed nicely and was standing in the front of the mirror I convinced myself there was no point in dressing this way so I put on my t-shirt and jeans and went on with my day. The whole changing outfits ten times through off my rhythm for the day and put me behind my very “important” schedule. From that point on I couldn’t get it back and felt all out of sorts. This started the bad mood.

So, I spent the rest of day just kind of going through the day watching the five children play, clean up after their mess and monitoring their conversations, actions, and solving conflicts. I kept myself busy by sweeping the floor, wiping down the countertops and checking facebook and email constantly while at the same time making a mental note of everything that needs to be done to the house to get it more organized and cleaned up better. Of course this put me in even a worse mood.

As I was putting the kids to bed and Noah and Owen were crying because they wanted to see Chris, who wouldn’t be home until late, I thought of course you want to see your fun Daddy, they have been stuck home all day with their grumpy mother, which then made me feel guilty (another one of my favorite mommy feelings)! So, now I feel guilty and unproductive! I should of seized the moment and tackle my to do list, but no I sat on the couch watched tv, ate ice cream and felt even more guilty and unproductive. I hate days like this, I hate looking back on the day and wonder what the heck did I do? I can’t even say I spent quality with my kids because I didn’t! Today I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom, today I wanted a career so I could feel more important and productive, because today I was convinced a career would make me feel better about myself. I didn’t want to be stuck at home with five children cleaning up after them! These were my feelings today and I know these feeling won’t last. I know that because I have been here before, I think I have one of these days at least every other week. You would think by now after 6 years of going through these rollercoaster of emotions I would learn to get over it and realize I just had a bad day, not a big deal! No, this is what they call being a mom, always questioning and feeling guilty over what we did and what we didn’t do, this is how we define ourselves. It is a rollercoaster because I am sure tomorrow I will tackle my to do list, play with my children , feel like super mom and still find something that will wake me up in the middle of the night to feel guilty about!